I have a million things on my mind, and I want to write about all of them. I want to do a Row80 check-in, I want to talk about JuNoWriMo. I most especially want to talk about Lisa Sonora Beam's Creative+Practice class and Jill Badonsky's Creative Realignment Workshop, both of which I've stepped into this week.
I've been hesitant to talk too much about my flaws and failures. What kind of coach falls prey to the same things she helps other people deal with? Oh yeah. A human one. A human one who needs to remember what she tells people all the time--we all need to connect with mentors and teachers and people who support and cheer us on our paths. We all need help. So, here's a little bit about me getting caught up in a downward spiral and my journey back out.
This whole year, plagued by illness, injury, car troubles, and the accompanying money woes that go with all of that, I have been trying to make plans, jump into things, busy my anxiety and depression away. Coupled with a leaning toward self-sabotage and procrastination, I've just been setting myself up for failure and a reinforcement of my "I never do what I should, never do anything right" feelings.
This week, though, a few things happened to push me into acknowledging that I've just been plunging into plans to try to shake myself out of my doldrums.
First, Lisa's class started up again, and I realized that it's an invitation. It's an invitation to slowly build up to something lasting, something that can keep me afloat during dark and stressful times.
Then Thursday Jill did a call about self-sabotage and not showing up for yourself. It was like someone shined a spotlight on my behavior. It became so clear that I was making sure that I don't move ahead with my dreams.
At first I found myself starting to make all sorts of new plans to "get myself going" and things like that. Then I stopped myself. I asked one question: "What do I need?" Not what do I want to be doing (writing, coaching, teaching), or what do I think I should be doing (cleaning and organizing, making better plans for my life). What do I need?
- I need breathing space, calm, peace-of-mind
- I need a support structure, regular practices that help me sort my thoughts and get that calm space I need
- I need to care for myself
A huge problem of mine is impatience. I want all of this right now. My plan (oh, I just can't help myself--I love to make plans!) is to take things day-by-day. I'm going to finish out this round and begin the next one with the goal of making one daily step, connecting with people here, on Twitter, on Facebook to have some accountability.
So what does this mean for ROW80 and JuNoWriMo? Writing is in my soul, I can't stop thinking about writing and stories, so I'm not going to stop doing either of these. I'm just going to really dial back my goals. For the rest of this round, and for the rest of June, I am going to set the goal of writing at least two sentences every weekday. Small steps, one of my favorite tools from my Kaizen-Muse™ training. And they work when I remember to do them (have you ever noticed how hard it can be to follow your own advice?)
I've been rambling. I hope you're still with me. I hope you'll remember that even when you're not practicing your creativity, even when things are dark, this is normal, and you are not alone. And if you want to talk about it, I would love to connect so we can help each other along.