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I have a million things on my mind, and I want to write about all of them.  I want to do a Row80 check-in, I want to talk about JuNoWriMo.  I most especially want to talk about Lisa Sonora Beam's Creative+Practice class and Jill Badonsky's Creative Realignment Workshop, both of which I've stepped into this week.

I've been hesitant to talk too much about my flaws and failures.  What kind of coach falls prey to the same things she helps other people deal with?  Oh yeah.  A human one.  A human one who needs to remember what she tells people all the time--we all need to connect with mentors and teachers and people who support and cheer us on our paths.  We all need help.  So, here's a little bit about me getting caught up in a downward spiral and my journey back out.

Journal 2
My Creative+Practice journal, created (and not quite completed) last year but not used because I kept meaning to get to the work but wasn't doing it. I see a pattern...

This whole year, plagued by illness, injury, car troubles, and the accompanying money woes that go with all of that, I have been trying to make plans, jump into things, busy my anxiety and depression away.  Coupled with a leaning toward self-sabotage and procrastination, I've just been setting myself up for failure and a reinforcement of my "I never do what I should, never do anything right" feelings.

This week, though, a few things happened to push me into acknowledging that I've just been plunging into plans to try to shake myself out of my doldrums.

First, Lisa's class started up again, and I realized that it's an invitation.  It's an invitation to slowly build up to something lasting, something that can keep me afloat during dark and stressful times.

Then Thursday Jill did a call about self-sabotage and not showing up for yourself.  It was like someone shined a spotlight on my behavior.  It became so clear that I was making sure that I don't move ahead with my dreams.

At first I found myself starting to make all sorts of new plans to "get myself going" and things like that.  Then I stopped myself.  I asked one question: "What do I need?"  Not what do I want to be doing (writing, coaching, teaching), or what do I think I should be doing (cleaning and organizing, making better plans for my life). What do I need?

  • I need breathing space, calm, peace-of-mind
  • I need a support structure, regular practices that help me sort my thoughts and get that calm space I need
  • I need to care for myself

A huge problem of mine is impatience.  I want all of this right now.  My plan (oh, I just can't help myself--I love to make plans!) is to take things day-by-day.  I'm going to finish out this round and begin the next one with the goal of making one daily step, connecting with people here, on Twitter, on Facebook to have some accountability.

So what does this mean for ROW80 and JuNoWriMo?  Writing is in my soul, I can't stop thinking about writing and stories, so I'm not going to stop doing either of these.  I'm just going to really dial back my goals.  For the rest of this round, and for the rest of June, I am going to set the goal of writing at least two sentences every weekday.  Small steps, one of my favorite tools from my Kaizen-Muse™ training.  And they work when I remember to do them (have you ever noticed how hard it can be to follow your own advice?)

I've been rambling.  I hope you're still with me.  I hope you'll remember that even when you're not practicing your creativity, even when things are dark, this is normal, and you are not alone.  And if you want to talk about it, I would love to connect so we can help each other along.



6 thoughts on “Hodgepodge

  1. alberta

    I understand the illness/injury/money problems and the drain of creativity which accompanys them - I also heard myself giving advice to others I don't always take myself:) no you are not alone. Finding what you need is a good start on the path back and well done you for doing so:)

    Am off to check out your links - all the best:)

    1. Kim

      Isn't it funny, in that annoying sort of way, how easy it is to push and poke and twist ourselves in ways we would never ask of others? To expect ourselves to do things we would never expect of others? Knowing what to do and actually doing it sometimes have a huge chasm between them. Thanks for the kind, encouraging words!

  2. Eden Mabee

    It's nice when the Universe peeks in and says "Hey, so-and-so needs a little boost. No, no, don't coddle! A boost! A hint!" and it happens. It sounds like perhaps Lisa and Jill were listening to the Universe for you...

    Two sentences a week.... I can get that. I set my own personal goal as five, but two is no less or more arbitrary a number, so... yeah. I think that's a great start, Kim.

    The point is to write. Or to at least find out if that's really what you want to do.... You may think "writing", but perhaps you're thinking story instead? Have you considered making a video story? Or dictating a story?

    Just some thoughts.

    1. Kim

      Eden, I think you are so right! I think the Universe was maybe a little tired of seeing me not treat myself and my creativity the way I encourage others to treat theirs. Oh, and I meant to say two sentences every weekday rather than every week. Oops! But in any case, two sentences at a time. That will sneak me right past that self-sabotage and those feelings of not-good-enough. Because yes, writing really is the thing. Always has been, and I'm always happier when I'm fully in it, but it was so darned much easier when all I didn't have all this other grown-up stuff to do, too! 😀 But two sentences at a time--even the grown-up stuff can't stop me from doing that.

  3. Laura

    Thank you for writing this post; it is exactly the rut I've been stuck in. It *is* helpful to hear that even certified Muses have difficulties; somewhat like seeing a demo in a class and having it not go quite right, which can actually be more educational, because you see how things can go wrong and how to deal with it when they do.

    1. Kim

      Thank you, Laura! It's good to know this was helpful to someone else. We all get caught in these ruts sometimes, these down times. Just acknowledge that you're there, and be kind to yourself.

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